In our society, it's common for people to criticize anything outside the norm.
We have expectations for what it means to be a family, what it means to be a man, what should drive each person, what kind of success makes someone valuable, and what actions are frowned upon.
Of course, there have always been exceptions to these social norms, and there always will be, but one of the necessities to being the exception is hearing unfair criticism.
People will look down on you simply for not following the path our society expects.
That is a reality we must accept.
It doesn't matter if the choices you're making are the absolute best. It doesn't matter if your life is wonderful, and fulfilling, and will lead you to greater success than if you'd chosen the beaten path–you will still get hate for being different.
However, that doesn't mean that some criticism doesn't have value.
Sometimes, the voices of dissent are correct, and you should listen.
Sometimes the things we truly want, are not right, at least not right now.
So when I started really digging into the world of van life, and especially van life with kids, I was a little shaken by all the negative comments about families living on the road.
At the same time that I was discovering organizations likes Full Time Families– which is dedicated to building healthy community among families living in RVs–I was seeing comments on Tiktok and Youtube and Reddit saying verbatim, "van life with kids is abusive."
I started following a Tiktoker with a fairly large following who has built her platform on satire, mocking the van, skoolie and RV families on social media. Personally, I think she's hilarious and have no problem accepting 1) picking fun at yourself is healthy and 2) some of her points have legitimate validity.
I began sincerely considering if our vanlife dreams were morally wrong for our son.
We are a family of three planning to live in a van temporarily in order to travel.
My husband and I have always loved adventure and like trying new things. Our son loves to travel too, and has spent nearly entire summers at "camp" in a travel trailer with his grandpa. He's excited about the trip, but he's also very sad about the idea of leaving his home and his friends at school behind.
Our plan is to homeschool him for one year, and travel the US in a camper van. We'll make it as homey as possible, including a bathroom, AC and his own bed. And, it's temporary. While we are considering the possibility of making the trip longer than 1 year, right now that's all we're committing to because we accept the possibility that we'll hate it. Or that it will simply be too draining to continue for long.
As of right now, we will still own the same house and we'll be dropping back by at some points during the school year. So we won't technically not have a home to "live" in–we will simply choose not to live there for several months at a time.
But that still begs the question– do these criticisms have a point? Is it wrong to take children on the road full time?
The largest complaints I've seen in this regard is that children "need privacy". Children need their own space. Some complain that they should have a more solid foundation for their lives. Some say the lifestyle in general is bad for them.
Some of those ideas hold more weight than others in my eyes, and I've spent some sincere time examining our situation.
Are these comments just negative nancys raining on other people's parades? Because I've also seen a fair share of absolutely unreasonable complaints about the lifestyle. Like one mother and daughter duo planning to spend a "leap year" together, traveling the country in a van the year after the daughter graduates high school. The mother has claimed to hear multiple complaints that she's "teaching her daughter a terrible life lesson". Another large Youtuber who travels in a beautiful van as an adventure photographer that has almost 300,000 followers on Youtube, who has lost contact with family members who've expressed embarassment at her life style.
You won't convince me that there is anything wrong with what these people are doing in either example.
But there is something very different about taking a child on the road. There is some merit to the complaint of living in a vehicle with a minor.
It’s not because having a house that moves is terrible for children’s development—it’s because putting your personal gain over your children’s well-being is wrong.
The big difference here is consent.
A child is reliant on their parent's choices.
Unlike a new adult choosing to do a long-term road trip, or a full-grown adult choosing to make travel her full-time career, the child is a tag along, not truly capable of making these choices themselves.
This means they are vulnerable.
They are trusting in their parents to protect and take care of them.
To be clear, it is not illegal to live in a vehicle with children, though laws vary slightly per state. CPS will not take a child away from a family for having a house on wheels, so long as their basic needs are being met and you are within the laws of your location. It's also fair to assume that legal does not always = ethical.
Your role as parents is to protect your children and facilitate a nurturing environment in which they can learn and grow.
You absolutely can do that on the road.
Many believe you cannot have a stable enviroment for children to grow while moving all the time. To this point, I disagree. Traveling a lot does not mean they can't have a solid foundation-- so long as their family is stable and considerate of their needs.
But there are challenges specifc to this way of life.
We put specific care into making sure our son will be comfortable and safe, not only in the van layout–which has several elements for him in particular–but the pace and destinations of our trip as well.
1) We plan to prioritize developing friendships. Van life can be really isolating. Community is incredibly important to humans in general and it's easy to lose sight of it. Many assume you will lose out on community automatically by choosing to travel full time but that same arugment is made for home schooling in general and in truth-- it's a myth.
Community is of massive importance to me, personally, moving forward in our lives, and while it might be challenging to fascilitate a strong sense of community while traveling it is absolutely possible.
There are fully established communties for van life, world travelling familys, and full-time RV families out there. You may have to put in some work to meet people and sustain relationship but I'm intending to do just that. How successful will we be? I don't know. We're going to try and I'd love for you to follow along. I will be the first to admit if we are unsuccessful.
2) We are slowing down our travel plans with our son in mind. We intend to only drive 3-4 hours at a time specifically because we want to make sure we don't overdo it for him.
3) We are planning to stay at many kid friendly campgrounds, sometimes for lengthy stays, solely so that he'll have the chance to be a kid in a safe environment and be around other children.
There are many incredible sights we really, really, want to see. But even with a year, it's impossible to get to them all. We've got to prioritize. We could go to more National Parks if we didn't stop to stay at a Thousand Trails campground for weeks a time-- but we feel it's important for our son to have the chance to have fun in a controlled enviroment. Sometimes we will be on BLM (public rural land you're allowed to camp on for free. Very few people around. No playgrounds but incredible natural environments to explore) and sometimes we'll be among other full time families at RV parks where groups of kids ride their bikes, swim in designated swimming areas and play on playgrounds.
4) We're letting him be part of the process. We've sat down and looked at maps of the places we'll visit so that he knows what to expect and be excited about, and so that he can put his opinions into our destinations. We can't go to every national park or city he wants, but we can definitely hit a few we may not have without his say.
5) It's temporary... probably. This advanture of ours will push us all a little out of our comfort zones. That, I believe, is okay. Good even. But mostly because it is temporary.
We have a time set that we intend to decide: go home, or travel longer. That decision will be the whole family's to make. If Caleb is not comfortable, or he still really wants to see his friends at his school again, we will. If he falls in love with travel and home schooling, and Sean and I are also happy and eager to keep going, we will.
In this case, one veto means we go home.
We've discussed with him that his voice matters.
Unfortunately, with the rise of travel families on social media, this means some families make money from showcasing their children and their lives on the internet. That's when things get really challenging. You must balance your family's mental well-being with your goals. Can you let go of something that's giving you a big platform and money in your pocket to protect your children if you had to? Too many parents would not.
The biggest and most important thing in deciding if full-time travel with children is right, is taking the time to really think it through, not just from your perspective, but theirs.
Your children are not dress-up dolls to use in social media. And your children are not pets that you get to drag around with you.
There are risks involved in taking a child with you to full-time travel and if you are a parent travelling with a child or are considering it, I beg you to consider what is best for your child, not just yourself.
At the end of the day there will be negative nancys. There will be people who criticize you no matter what, but please stop to think about what your child’s life will look like. When they are grown, will they look back at this time fondly? Will it help them develop into healthy and happy adults?
We can’t plan for every contingency. We can only do the best we can. But as long as you’re honestly trying to do right by your child and not just yourself, I sincerely believe that van life with kids can be a fulfilling and nurturing experience for all.
Please note, these picture are from a photo shoot our family did in the cargo van before we got it professionally converted into an RV. We were being silly and our son specifically requested this photo because he thought it was funny. At no point did anyone in our family sleep in the vehicle this way.